-

birth video

2010-08-22T05:01:00.001-05:00

mom

2008-05-06T17:23:00.005-05:00

sunday is mothers day. i am here in reykjavik iceland and my mama is 3110 miles south and a little west, in north carolina.
this will be my first mothers day not living in the same city as my mom and i dare say it might be a harder thing for me, than for her. there were many years in which i lived very selfishly and rarely even called my mom or family although we lived just 5 minutes apart. nowadays i cannot imagine life without them. they are loving, supportive, forgiving and have put up with so much shit from me that its hardly funny. my mom spoils me with her kind words and fresh squeezed apple juice. the former, everyday, the ladder just when i am in n.c. for a visit. i share her love for flowers and gardening so we enjoy shopping for, planting, and caring for plants, flowers, herbs and vegetables together. she demonstrates the testimony of jesus as she loves with selfless tenacity, always wanting more and better for me than for herself. she is a perfect confidante, tenderhearted yet strong, childlike yet full of wisdom and understanding and truly a gift from the Lord.

jesus

2008-03-23T19:01:00.006-05:00

i really enjoyed a movie i saw this week, called August Rush. the non-believable plot, was won over with a magical sense of knowing that we are created for something more, which beckons us, if we listen.

i also really enjoyed some teaching i heard on friday night from a swedish guy, on priesthood. it was a challenge to forget being mr. nice guy and blatantly lay out the gospel to everyone we meet, as in, take responisbility for them as their priest. i was offended by this guys arrogance (in christ and what He did on the cross and on what He did within this guy ) but challenged me step up to the plate, and fully rely on the great position i have been given in jesus. it is a great position. full of power. i can be bold in what jesus has done for me and i should be.
thank you jesus for the great things you have done in my life. you saved me, you healed my body and you have removed my constantly disappointed demeanor, and replaced it with joy, love, peace, and a continual urge to press in to God and to ask for more love. jesus i want more. as the song says, i want to burn with passion for you God.

nothings gunna hold me back

2008-02-04T19:08:00.001-05:00

i am blown away right now with the jason upton cd, key of david. it does something to me each time i listen. it literally changes me. the first 5 times i cried. now i am just chilled with the overwhelming feeling that God is near me. Halleluiah!!! because of jesus, the holy spirit is near, but thru this music, i can feel Him more. and it makes me feel gooooood!!#%%$/&%#%&
purchase the key of david

11:32pm,january 28th 2008

2008-01-28T18:21:00.000-05:00

feeling farther from home than ever.
i feel desperate, empty, hopeless.
.......but i am learning to speak icelandic. AND

this too, shall pass. takk fyrir jesus!

WAIT........wait...... wait.

2007-11-19T12:48:00.000-05:00

i am blown away by the way God moves into my life, just in the nick of time, when i have almost died, and swoops me up in exhilerating encouragement. its worth it. those times that feel soooo bad that seem soooo horrible in the moment are so insignificant after God does His thing. hold out.

just checking in....

2007-10-14T07:43:00.000-05:00

just outside reykjavik iceland this weekend, we are attending a "soaking" conference. it is being led by folks from toronto.
soaking is a new word for listening to the Lord with some added structure, to help get us out of our busy busy lives and into a place of hearing from the Lord. put on some quiet worship music, verbally ask the holy spirit to speak, and then take a blanket and a pillow and lay on the floor and do nothing.
you shoud try it.

the view from 67 snorrabraut, reykjavik iceland

2007-10-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

God really loves us.

2007-09-27T07:49:00.000-05:00

so i had these similiar situations happen yesterday, that brought assumptions within me relating to how God must feel on a regular basis.
i spoke with my mom, dad and brother on skype. (skype, for those who dont know, is this wonderful program that allows those with video and audio capabilities on their computers to talk and see one another thru the computers for FREE.)
as i was interacting with them, talking, laughing, catching up on everyday life, my computer screen blinked, i heard my mom say, "what happened" then i proceeded to watch, as my mom buried her face in her hands and cried. she could not see or hear me any longer but i could see and hear her as she sobbed. it was the most helpless horrible feeling i could imagine. if she could have known that i was fine and that i would just email her or that someone could fix her computer she would have been fine but she thought she had broken it and that we would no longer get to communicate using skype.
later yesterday something similiar happened. my sister grace, downloaded skype on her computer so we decided to try it out, comunicatting thru email. so i called her and she answered and we quickly realized that she could see and hear me fine but i could not see or hear her, so i was left to just speak to them, pour out my thoughts and heart, waive my hands and hope they could hear me. indeed they had heard and had seen me and seemed to be somewhat entertained at my lame attempts to communicate.
God can see and hear us perfectly. we cannot always see (ok honestly i have never actually seen God, but i know people who have had glimpses) and hear God but he is there, watching us and often speaing to us.
Just like we want to know how the people we love the most are all the time so does God with us, so He watches and listens to us. He cares and loves us and wants to know how we are at all times.

iceland

2007-08-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

my husband and i are moving to iceland on september 23rd. yep.... we are.

fathers day 07

2007-06-17T08:54:00.000-05:00

Father God,
Thank You for loving me. Thank You for taking care of me. Thank You for being all powerful and all knowing, and thus knowing what i need all the time and knowing also what my friends need all the time. Thank you for adopting me thru the life, death and ressurection of Your Son. Forgive me for my impatience in waiting for you to bring Your perfect Kingdom to It's full fruition. Have mercy on me and on everyone else. I, and we all need You God.

love,
katie

update

2007-04-19T10:10:00.000-05:00

today- i woke up, hugged my husband, kissed my mother, walked the dog, committed the day to God, ate a bowl of cereal with yogurt (icelandic tradition) enjoyed a cup of fresh squeezed apple juice (a daily event courtesy of my mama) had a cup of coffee, prayed for some friends, ran 2 miles, had a shower, checked email, played a game of pacman, and now i await the return home of my husband eric, who is meeting a friend for coffee. next we will drive around the corner to our friendly neighborhood coffee shop (dilworth coffee matthews, in the house) and spend time together listening to God thru the pages of the book of Daniel. later i will somewhat reluctantly head to this beautiful plant nursery up the street and speak with the nice lady who has offered to give me a part time job there. later this evening i am having dinner with my good friend kimberly.
the weather here today is slightly cool and overcast, but beautiful nontheless. we live in a land of trees and they are the most wonderful shade of green. charlotte really is a beautiful place.

my beautiful nephews

2007-02-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

Isaiah and Elijah. i love these guys.

new year

2007-01-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

2oo7-
i (~~want to~~) am going to -get to know God better.
i (~~want to~~) am going to- increase the mile i run every 3 days, to 2 miles, every 3 days.
i (~~want to~~) am going to -serve more and desire to be served less.

Jesus said, with people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

2oo7-
is going to be an eternally successful year.

good news

2006-12-25T00:42:00.000-05:00

merry christmas to all. blessings and love to you.

christmas 06

2006-12-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

2006-11-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday gracie. i love you.

2006-11-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

the best kids, EVER.

2006-08-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

my mom absolutley loves frogs. she likes to look at them, and especially likes to HEAR them. she also loves to share this passion with her grandson, my nephew, isaiah. at the hospital when elijah was born, someone in our family discovered the "i'm a big brother shirt" WITH a frog on it. of course isaiah had to have it and then (i have no idea how he knew, he's only 18 mths old) he posed.

new baby

2006-08-08T14:43:00.000-05:00

i am still having trouble believing MY baby sister has given birth to 2 babies. grace and dennis, so generously allowed me too, not only be a spectator, but also to play a part in the birth of their second son, elijah thomas schill. it was a wonderful experience. grace had complications with post partum hemoraging that scared us all for a few minutes, while the doctor and nurses frantically rushed around, but in the end grace is home and resting and looks good as new.

2006-08-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

isaiah, my nephew. very photogenic, absolutely beautiful, and so much fun.

intimacy

2006-07-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

what is intimacy?

my space down

2006-07-24T08:41:00.000-05:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/5209496.stm

my space

2006-05-09T08:03:00.000-05:00

i've been blogging at my space.
my space is a community site for friends to message back and forth thru various outlets. one private, a few public and you can choose just about any song ever to play when your page appears.
i personally, LOVE my space. the interaction with people, the pictures and backgrounds for visual stimulation, and music for the ears. i can express myself a variety of way and i enjoy that.

i'm back

2006-04-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

angela, this is for you baby. ok... not soely, but i do love you.
i got typin finger happy tonight in a weak moment, while smokin crack...i mean, while playin on my "my space"
it's, by far, my best work yet. lol.
my space blog

goodbye (for now)

2006-04-25T10:44:00.000-05:00

i may be done with this whole blogging thing. i've been doing it for myself as an outlet and it seems i have learned to express myself in other ways, so i don't need you anymore blogspot.com...i'm thru with you. done.
i may be back in the future, we shall see.
to any readers... thank you for the time you spent clicking on my site and reading, i have appreciated each and every comment and just knowing you cared enough to read about me, at times, kept me going.
i love you all.
oh yeah, special thanks to inside stephen who very much inspired me to open my life up on the web.
katie

green

2006-04-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

i love looking at the new green life on the trees.

my grandmother

2006-04-16T08:01:00.000-05:00

this is my grandmother, teresa estes, who's body gave up yesterday, stopped functioning, and no longer has to deal with the pain and misery of life in the flesh. Hallelujah!!
she had had back pain for many years, she physically took care of those around her with selfless care, and she complained rarely, if ever.
this women took extra special care of me when i was young, and although i didn't see her as much when we moved to the other side of town, away from her barkley downs home in charlotte, when i was 10, i always knew that whatever the circumstance i could call her for help and she would do anything she could. she worked and served others in a physical sense until she had no more to give. she truly lived her life for others.
i want to take her example and continue her tradition of serving others, living selflessly in this way, and to consider it an honor, as she did.

cat story

2006-04-14T11:50:00.000-05:00

i like animals and this story of a cat trapped in a wall in new york, caught my eye today.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4910732.stm

2006-04-14T09:59:00.001-05:00

i wrote at my space today
http://www.myspace.com/66579090

peaceful busy day

2006-04-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

i had a busy but peaceful day today. it was a nice break.
pictured is my friend jaxon, whom i have the priviledge of spending time with on wednesdays. he graciously sits quietly while i sing loudly in the car, and never complains about it. now thats a good man. i love his mother too.... a lot.

train wreck

2006-04-08T11:57:00.000-05:00

things have been so so difficult lately. praying more, for the lost, and for my friends but also fighting more with God, resistant to submitting to Him in these ways that keep getting bigger and bigger. the stretching and testing has gone from very trivial matters to these gigantic demons from my past, in just a years time. today i wasn't sure i was going to move forward this time. i have the desire but lack the push and drive to allow myself to become empty in this way in order to be filled by God. too much desire still for fleshly things. not big things like drugs, sex, or alcohol (those i've already found out don't last in their pleasure, so i'm not interested) but its much more subtle things, like community and friends. things that God certainly endorses so they can't be bad. (that's what i keep telling myself) why would God ask me to give up fulfillment of desires He created me with? ( i'm not looking for an answer there. )
God has done incredible things for me and has given me His love and loyalty in ways that are way beyond what i can fully understand. why do i still resist Him? at what point does hebrews 10:26 apply? God has been patient and forgiving with me repeatedly in this matter, (i keep giving it up then taking it back) but i have to wonder how far He will let me go before it breaks His heart badly enough that He will turn His face from me so He won't have to watch the train wreck.
if you pray, and want to, for me, pray i will voluntarily bend my knee (and keep it bent) to Him who is so much more than worth it.

it's a boy!

2006-04-02T07:48:00.000-05:00

my sisters firstborn, isaiah luke.

for those who dont know, i absolutly LOVE this kid. he is so much fun. he is unashamed to show surprise and joy, and he dances like nobodys buisness. if you say the word "music", he dances, no lie.

she found out this week, she is pregnant with another boy.

2006-04-02T07:40:00.001-05:00

"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

big decision made

2006-04-02T00:58:00.000-05:00

went dancin with my boys tonight. i had a good time. they got me on a scary ride at a fair too. i thought i might die on it, but i wasnt at all scared of that. i just thought "i might die" and then i thought ......"so what". i relaxed and proceeded to laugh and scream the rest of the ride. it was great. i felt like a kid tonight, and decided i'm not growing up.

angry

2006-04-01T15:34:00.000-05:00

i am blindsided this afternoon with a bout of anger. i mean rage. i am having to keep myself from punching things. i can't remember feeling this angry ever in my life.
the day until now has been fine. weather is wonderful. good report when my boss showed up. my husband is falling in love with the Lord in kansas city. things are just on the verge of changing into something which i know will be very pleasing to me. i am going dancin tonight.
but boom, out of nowhere., ANGER. i mean the kind that hurts my stomach.

marriage

2006-04-01T13:59:00.000-05:00

its been a rare weekend without my husband.
we have been together since i was 16 (he was my salvation from a home i didnt like) so i am not used to being without him or alone.
i mean i want him to come home safe and sound, theres too much i like about him, but having the appartment to myself for a few days has been wonderful. i feel like i've gone off to college and escaped the watchful eye of mom and dad or something.
it turns out marriage is nothing like what i thought it would be. i have someone to answer too and everything in me, fights that. i mean its not like he tells me what to do or is a control freak or anything but i seem overly independent these days. not wanting to answer to anyone. i have never been like this before.
eric is, as good a husband as they come. he is gentle, loving, forgiving, and he loves God. i couldnt ask for more. so its definitly not a problem with him. i want to be a good wife to him. i think it will come down to deciding which i want more. my way or His.

2006-03-31T16:27:00.000-05:00

i feel like i'm coming out of a funk. it feels good.
i am still missing a girl though.

capote

2006-03-29T00:17:00.000-05:00

eric and i watched Capote this evening.
its a true story of a famous selfish writer that allowed his own desires and needs being met, become his over-all obsession. it seems he had a great love for people but when push came to shove, he chose to receive glory and attention over his writing rather than take care of his friend. he also lived in denial of this issue. he would tell people he was doing this and that for his friend in jail because the friend needed him and he wanted to help him. i think he really did want to help the guy but at some point he decided the fame and attention he would get for the book he was writing was worth more. problem is i see much of myself in this man.
ok, so he needs to finish the book but since the guy is just sitting in jail thro appeal after appeal it doesn't make for a very dynamic ending. so he quits getting the guy a lawyer so the appeals stop and so does his visits. he receives a letter from the killer and decides to visit before the hanging. in the end, he witnesses his friend, who at an earlier point in the movie, he is questioned as to whether or not he is in love with the man. he doesn't give a clear answer leading you to believe he may very well be in love with the man. similiar backgrounds, a mutual trust, etc.... so now he sees the man hung to death.
quite an effect this had on me. how long will i piss and moan about wanting things i don't have while people are in need? worse than that will their blood be on my hands?
how can i continue pursuing what makes me feel good, wasting time, while knowing good and well what awaits the world? i don't want to watch anyone i know be hung or be carried off by the one waiting to devour the world, when its in my power to do something about it.
there's work to be done. no time to waste. no time for the american dream. no time for searching and experiencing that feeling of going home, that feels oh so good. not now. not yet. home is coming. but not yet.

next part

2006-03-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

on my bed night after night i sought him
Whom my soul loves;
i sought but did not find him.
i must arise now and go about the city;
in the streets and in the squares
i must seek him whom my soul loves.
i sought but i did not find him.
the watchmen who make the rounds in the city found me,
and i said, "have you seen him whom my soul loves?"
sol. 3:1-3

my mind is playin tricks on me

2006-03-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

questioning so many things today. things i cannot speak of, to protect my loved ones, but things i long to be able to discuss. deep places that i long to be exposed, as much for my protection as theirs (i hope...... although i can never really trust my flesh laden mind)
i HaTe today. i mean i really Hate. i am feeling bitter, angry, resentful, really just pissed off.
i can hear a friends words ringing in my ear, "....just get over it". i wished that worked today baby.
the world is cruel and ugly.
as far as circumstances go, i got everything anyone could ever ask for. i have lots of truly loving family. as far as physical things, i have it all. and yet still this gaping fucking hole, that laughs and taunts me to no end.
will i ever be thankful for all i do have?
will i ever get rid of this selfishness and greed that make their home within my soul?
will i constantly hope for circumstances to change so that i might be happy?
will i constantly hope for everyone around me to change so that my discontent will be justified?
if i could draw and express myself it would be a totally black canvas with deep puncture marks all over it. actually i would probably tear it to shreds with my bare hands. this writing seems to stand in the way of my conveying how i feel. it doesn't do justice at all to how i really feel.

love love love

2006-03-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

God loves loves loves YOU!!

.....like my friend trisha who has this farely recent boyfriend and for the first time she is able to cut loose and be herself, even when its not very pretty.

yeah.... God loves like that. he can take it. not only can, but longs too.

manna

2006-03-23T09:53:00.000-05:00

for the eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous and His ears attend to their prayer. 1pet.3
this is comfort and encouragement for the deepest parts of me today, knowing only the rightousness of jesus qualifys me.

charlotte prayer

2006-03-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

+ + +
IT'S HERE

Charlotte's first urban prayer room.
+A place for engaging all the senses in the context of personal prayer+
This sacred space consists of 1600sq ft of raw warehouse transformed into
an incubator for intimacy with God & involvement in our world.
... OPENING CEREMONY @ NOON MARCH 25th...
Study places & prayer stations to help you cultivate friendship with Jesus & hearts for justice. Community room for small groups, surfing the web, or talking with friends.
OPEN 6am-10pm 7 DAYS A WEEK
+ You're invited to the 24-7 opening ceremony + #524 15th St. off N. Davidson +

i quit.

2006-03-21T14:18:00.000-05:00

i feel like i am dying. everything in my body kinda hurts but is numb at the same time. will joy ever return?
Lord, how long will i feel without you? the light at the end of the hall is gone. i can't see a thing. my head is fuzzy. i see no hope and no future. the promises you gave me i have forgotten. i am alone.

constant gardener

2006-03-21T07:53:00.000-05:00

if our hearts are like a fertile field, we will produce beautiful fruit.
the down side is, that where there is the ability for seed to grow and produce fruit, there is also the ability for weeds to grow and choke the harvest. God searches the earth for those who want Him to be their constant gardener, and He longs to make us beautiful with his work and presence.

isaiah

2006-03-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

mom and grace brought isaiah to play today. i know its horrible of me but its so freakin cute of him i had to post it. he is so much fun. i had the priviledge (or horror) of watching his birth, which i read about today in an old journal. we had hoped he would be born before i left to meet eric in iceland last year and he came the day of. i had to get a special flight in order to see his birth. i cant imagine life without him. he is a joy.

right now

2006-03-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

this has been a serious season of mourning for me.
i am not fully convinced its over yet but today i am counting my blessings and able to sing and dance and enjoy this day that the lord has made....... and it feels goooood.

eric

2006-03-16T19:13:00.000-05:00

the man i married 10 years ago, and the dog we found the year after.

i want it, i want it.

2006-03-16T07:41:00.000-05:00

we are not being prepared for yesterday. the ways in which we react and respond to things are based on logic formed in our minds, from past experiences. in dealing with life, this only works if things go exactly how they have gone before, and who's life ever goes like that? God wants to tell us, His thoughts and His ways so that, we can be prepared for today and tomorrow. He doesn't want us to be unprepared and collapse when things happen that we aren't prepared for. He is saying," come to me, spend time with me, let me show you whats going to happen in the future and how you should handle it so that it won't devastate you". "i will be your strength, if you will only let me".

me-today

2006-03-14T09:27:00.000-05:00

somewhere in between

I can't be, Losing sleep over this, No I can't
And now I cannot stop pacing
Give me a few hours
I'll have this all sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head But underneath my feet
Cause by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
I'm somewhere in between
What is real or Just a dream What is real or Just a dream

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real Just a dream

-Lifehouse

love

2006-03-14T05:44:00.000-05:00

i realized i have been living for myself for quite some time now, all the while saying i was living for God. living for God means what it says, eating, breathing, sleeping, playing ALL for God. me, i still do all those things, to fill all the empty holes left mostly from when i was a child. i am obsessed with finding a place where i feel complete. yeah if God can do it for me then I'll run to Him, but that still is, me, living to complete myself. is there a way for me to BE any different? i pray, i seek the lord, i truly desire to serve God above serving myself. can i let myself have the empty holes? (as goddamn horrible as they feel) and (as goddamn good as it feels when one gets temporarily filled) can i let the holes remain, give up the quest and pursue my maker who loves me with more love than i can imagine? can i be seen by those around me, not as someone with holes but as someone who loves God more than taking care her own needs? i know after the last few weeks, that i can love myself publicly and shamelessly, not caring what anyone thinks. will i do the same with my Creator, who desires me, amidst my false views that i am doing him a favor while seeking with all my heart to be complete?He is in the "completing" business, but can i go to Him, for Him, and not just for what He can do for me. can i long for HIM, like he longs for ME? not, what i can give or do for Him, He just wants ME, with the holes ....with the imperfections, with the self worship, He still wants me.....He still wants me.... He still loves me.......He still wants to hold me. He has a true fathers heart. i still feel like i can hardle go wrong in his eyes. after all this. thats love.

2006-03-13T05:52:00.000-05:00

--

-

-

2006-03-10T07:34:00.000-05:00

i ran into some pretty big trouble recently and i have been feeling things from apathy to anger to sadness, to self pity. last night God just told me what was wrong, i confessed it, and although there is some mess to clean up (there are people around me, helping with that) i am feeling much better today. i am grateful for Gods faithfulness in getting me thro this and not around it, and for His mercy and forgiveness thro His Son.

2006-03-07T18:58:00.000-05:00

birds- part deux

2006-03-06T09:23:00.000-05:00

on feb 7th i wrote an entry entitled birds, which if you haven't read it you may not fully understand this entry.
the birds have been gathering around the feeder, and eating there, some, when i am not in the office. i can tell because the seed level is down, and there are more birds hanging around at a distance. just now, for the first time, i got to see a brave little bird fly down and hover (the best a bird can), just inches from the feeder. Desperate for seed, but seeing me, still too scared to sit and eat. i did get to see him for a few moments though, waive his wings back and forth, contemplating the dilemma.
the Lord has spoken to me, on several occasions, through strange bird experiences. i think thats why i like them so much. i like it when God speaks to me. it feels gooood.

ask

2006-03-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

i just had a customer come into pay for her storage rent and she brought her young son, maybe grandson with her. he was about 6 or 7 years old and asked me questions about the pictures of my nephew isaiah which are hanging in my office. he found the candy jar opened it up to grab some candy and his mother/grandmother said "wait a minute you better ask before you take any of that candy". he paused and proceeded to say that he wanted some. she pushed the issue and repeated her command, "if you want the candy you have to ask for it". then stubbornly he said "you ask her for me". the lady again politely repeated the command, "if you want the candy you are going to have to ask for it". this time he finally let his pride go and came around my desk and said "can i have some candy". of course the answer was yes, which he probably realized the whole time, but that awful sin nature we got stands opposed to us humbling ourselves to ask for things. if we ask it must mean we are lacking. i don't want to appear to be lacking in any area. i want everyone to think i have i am totally fulfilled and complete. this behavior, if i continue it, will only stand in the way me receiving anything good.
God make me a humble asker. God, can i have your company today? God, can you walk the block and listen to me talk today? God, will open my ears so that i can hear you? what do you smell like? will you let me smell you?
God, will you tell me i am beautiful? papa, will you tell me i am wonderful?

thank you

2006-02-27T08:05:00.000-05:00

i am working thro a realization this morning about God and how he works thro people.
God works thro our weaknesses, i think everyone can agree on that. its not supernatural for us to display talents and things we acquired naturally or easily. it just smells of Gods work when things occur within us that go against the very grain of our comfort levels, or ability's.
i try my very best to look good to people around me, put my best foot forward in a sense, which quite possibly eliminates the supernatural from occurring within me. people are not stupid. they smell the bullshit. its only the aroma of God moving supernaturally that can truly comfort the afflicted and heal the sick and bring redemption to the lost. Jesus, cover my sins with your blood. i submit my body to you, to work and move thro. i will probably have to do this tomorrow again, and the day after that and the day after that. thank you for your patience with me and your willingness and desire to be merciful to me day after day. but not only merciful.
papa, you really are so loving and compassionate and gentle but strong. you are so more than enough for me. you are everything i can imagine a father might be to his daughter. i feel like i cant go wrong in your eyes. no matter what i do you still love and desire me, which is comforting to the point that i cannot explain. thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank you thank you thank you Jesus.

man to pay dowery for a goat he was found having sex with.

2006-02-24T16:19:00.000-05:00

this article caught my eye on bbc news today. (ok yeah.... the word sex always gets my attention but whos does'nt it.) this story is bizarre, but amusing and practical.

He is well worth it.

2006-02-18T12:25:00.000-05:00

i want to chase after God like i chase after self gratification. i do a damn good job at the later, i mean i am extraordinarily good at it. i want to switch the object of my desire to God.
He is the rock. His works are perfect. All His ways are just. deut. 4:32

love

2006-02-14T11:44:00.000-05:00

you can be loved without doing a thing, but you cannot feel that love without allowing yourself to feel it.
Let HIM love on you.

happy birthday isaiah and shannon

2006-02-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

2006-02-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

wishing i was 5 years old again for a brief moment today. strange. longing to be held, rocked, and spoiled.

tonight

2006-02-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

spent the evening in a really intimate time with God. it was awesome. have you ever experienced something that brought a deep inward feelings of fulfillment that felt as if it was exactly, everything you were created for? i had a taste of that tonight with the encouragement to come back often and for more and more. a 4 course meal awaits. yyiiippeee!!!!
many questions answered, much needed inward release of tension and a fresh vision of desperation to be a friend of God.

trying to write a perfect blog and loose some weight...YEAH GOD

2006-02-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

this is a copy of my first blog entry EVER, back in august of last year. i thought it noteworthy since i am 50 lbs lighter than i was when i wrote this.

08-03-05
ok, so i had these grandiose ideas for this blog deal.
i will write great things that might start a revolution and change the entire world, or at least cute little bit of encouragement for someone.
i read erics stuff and i'm like "man, this stuff is good, i want to do it too". i mean, there has been times in the past where a pen in my hand hit the paper and stuff came out that changed my life, so it cant be that difficult, right? i can do this.
so while sitting at the desk of my, once a week, and only job, i got out my notebook to write (blog) and ............. nothing. i told eric later when i got home about my lack of inspiration mixed with my excitement to write my first blog, and his reply was to write about my day. i said, out loud, that i didn't think anyone was interested in the boring events of my day.
perhaps what came next, happened only so i would have something to write about, but i wish i still didn't.
a little later, i jumped on the scale to find out, that, the weight i thought i had recently lost, was found. i need to explain a little with that. for a month we have walked everyday for 40 minutes, consistently. we've prayed about loosing weight. we have cut many things from our diet and i routinely feel hunger pains at night.
i mean, i have to shower double or triple the about of times a week i used to, (from sweating while exercising) which, cost time, energy, and money in soap, shampoo, laundry detergent, wear and tear on tennis shoes, bras, socks, and underwear, you get the gist. its a big commitment. hard work. so when i discovered that after a month of this craziness, i was back to my original weight, i lost it.

note: shortly after this blog entry our friends with whom we pray, put their hands on me and asked in the name of Jesus for me to loose weight.

birds

2006-02-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

i got a bird feeder for the window of my office. the birds seem scared to come to the feeder but today i noticed they are much closer than they have been. (pictures to come)
i was thinking about how they seem scared and that if they would just come to the feeder, not only would they be safe, but they would get an easy meal, that normally they would have to work for. what i want is to enjoy looking at their beauty and watch them enjoy the meal. we shall see. more to come.........

i do everything for my own good. even this.

2006-01-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

what do you do when you feel like your whole life has been a lie?
what do you do when you realize that the very thing you seek is the very thing you preach against?
what do you do when you realize your name should be at the top of the "canidates for hell" list?
yeah, i'm there.

charlotte 24-7

2006-01-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

been working lately with old and new friends. we share a common goal of getting this really old building (in picture) trasformed into a holy and sacred place to give attention to elohim. working on a common goal with a group of people is great to me. fun.
if you don't know jesus you ought to. he is Gods way of rescuing us, and drawing us close to himself. yes, he is jealous. He wants EVERY man to be His very own. he wants YOU to be His very own.

God

2006-01-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

i have experienced many moments of euphoria in a variety of different self induced ways, (they where really very good) but pale in comparison to these moments of peace that come from God, every now and then. words cannot describe the way You make me feel. i have little or no faith. i dont trust well. i rely so much on my intellect that i am a moron. non-the-less i am a christian because i am addicted to those moments that blow my mind above comprehension.
You make me feel like i dont have a care in the world. you make me feel completly relaxed, desired, loved, complete, irresistable, my eyes are crossing.

GO PANTHERS!!!

2006-01-21T23:20:00.000-05:00

isaiah

2006-01-21T17:16:00.002-05:00

my baby nephew isaiah is staying over tonight for the first time. he came in sleeping and is still as pictured.

he is sleeping around 100 ft from the busiest road in charlotte.

already the fire trucks have gone by and he is still sleeping.

WAR my mind is playin tricks on me

2006-01-21T10:45:00.000-05:00

very aware today of pride and arrogance and self- righteousness within me.
i will go to war with theses today. the word of God in hand i will battle this pride as long as it takes.
"my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways" -God
Father, transform me with your word. do away with this body of death so that i will no longer be a slave to pride and arrogance. cause me to walk in freedom from these, freedom you appropriated at calvary. change my mind.
remind me, as needed of the freedom you have given me from, pride and arrogance and self- righteousness. fight with me....... or rather, fight with you, i will. i will go to war but not for freedom from these things. that, you have already won. i will go to war with my mind which is shaped and formed mostly by life circumstances and cant see clearly thro the haze.

my unrest issue

2006-01-19T23:52:00.000-05:00

quick update on my inability to rest in the Lord.
for some time now my peace has been thro the house being cleaned up, and i would stop at nothing to get it done, even at the expense of being verbally abusive to my husband.
God in his mercy offered to me "peace that passeth understanding" in exchange for my way of obtaining peace. what an exchange! each time i feel myself jumping on the "i need peace", "i gotta have the house clean" bandwagon, God points me to the prince of peace and what He suffered, and suddenly the undone dishes and the dog hair on the floor and the dirty bathroom don't seem so bad. i haven't gotten it right everytime, but He's made provisions for that as well and its never to late to say I'm sorry, and do the right thing the next time.

currently

2006-01-19T20:12:00.000-05:00

i havent been in a writing mood lately. it used to be my escape but since i dont need that anymore, i'll try to write about the "in general" of life right now.
off the top of my head:
my full time office job connected to our appartment is going much better than expected. it feels like home.
for the first time in our lives we are paying the bills all on time.
God has finally given me a job within His department and that is an answer to years of prayer. it feels good!! not that i am actually doing it often and that is something that needs some work. i waste so much time. and i get bored with things quickly as i have with everything i have ever done. i want to keep at this one, boring or not, but i speculate that if it gets boring its because of something i've done wrong. still i think this one will just take plain old hard work, persistence and discipline. ooo the d word. ooo, all those words. i have displayed the exact opposite of those my whole life.
my back still hurts pretty badly off and on.
the folks we church with and us, are learning to pray and worship God and love and accept each other, faults and all. its tough, but good. we are working together on an old warehouse building which is to be the site for 24-7 prayer initiative.
we are still without a car of our own, but are still borowing our brother in laws truck. still own a house we arent living in, that needs some fixin up to sell or rent.
i have 2 moms that take really good care of me.
the sewer line is fixed here at the appartment!! hurray. no more sewage back ups. we dont pay for water or electric so they consistetly stay on now, its amazing.
i have 2 girlfriends right now that are the best friends a girl could as for.
i am seeing a fun band tomorrow night with my beautiful sister, (who i love), and possibly her wonderful friend, melissa carter (whom i also love)
as i speak, i am typing this on my computer which sits in the living room and my husband is behind me working away on his mac. our 2 big dogs have each claimed space on the couch and are both asleep, the rot snoring and the cat curled up on a chair also asleep. soon we will head to caribou and hopefully play a game of chess and eric will win as always. i am enjoying this unusually quiet evening.

dave dwyer

2006-01-16T12:29:00.000-05:00

a man we know passed away this week and i will have to say that this man displayed in abundance, characteristics of jesus. he was gentle, kind, loving, and faithful. perfect he was not, but much more so than is common. he was a treasure to most everyone he met. may the peace and blessing of God be over his family.

David Kent Dwyer INDIAN TRAIL -- Mr. Dwyer, 50, of Indian Trail, NC went to be with the Lord, January 12, 2006 at his home after a lengthy illness. David was born in Baton Rouge, Louisiana and grew up in Dallas, Texas. He attended North Texas State University. He was a store manager for Kroger and Bi-Lo. David was an active member of First Baptist Church of Indian Trail. His legacy he leaves to his children and grandchildren is love and the value of a close family bound together by the love of Christ. His family will be forever grateful for his example in how to love, worship, and walk in the Lord! He had a heart for people and never met a stranger. His immediate family includes his beloved wife, Becky, his daughter, Melanie Robinson and husband, Jeff, his daughter, Holly Brown, and husband, Chris, his daughter, Kristi Rothman, and husband, Travis, his daughter, Katie Moreau and husband, Tim and his son, David Kent Dwyer, Jr.; grandchildren, Susanna, Luke, Max, and Sam; his brothers, Rees Dwyer, Jeff Dwyer and Pat Dwyer. He is preceded in death by his parents, Buddy and Sue Dwyer. The family wishes to express their unending gratitude to the body of Christ who has helped carry them through this difficult time. A service to celebrate David's life will be held at 12 p.m. on Monday, January 16, 2006 at First Baptist Church of Indian Trail, 732 Fairview Rd., Indian Trail, NC 28079. The family will receive friends following the ceremony. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to First Baptist Church of Indian Trail or Metrolina Christian Academy. The Dwyer Family is in the care of Gaskin Service, Matthews, www.gaskinservices.com Published in the Charlotte Observer on 1/15/2006.

2006-01-10T12:54:00.000-05:00

i hit a wall this morning. it was as if my body gave up and i lay for a while praying. the pain in my body got worse as i prayed but as i got up slowly to go back to work i realized i felt so much better. i still hurt but something feels different and much better within.
i went back to the office and a customer came to pay and told me to look up where Jesus tells Peter that satan wants to sift him like wheat.
i did, and Jesus prayed for peter that his faith would not fail,knowing peter would deny Him. that he would, after denying Christ, turn back to the Lord and then peter would strengthen his brothers. lk 22

yeah I'd say i got a word from the lord today. to all you intercessors, thanks.

rest

2006-01-10T10:37:00.000-05:00

the new place of rest you've found for yourself ?......... yeah....... that one....... give it up...... i've got a better one for ya.

still.... not resting

2006-01-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

i am fully exhausted. i read a friends blog (http://stephenbailey24.blogspot.com/) this morning and he said the same thing. must be going around.
i let the circumstances around me really effect me. i mean a few things are ascew in my life right now and i carry it all in my back like i can change things and fix things, and make my life perfect if i just try hard enough. when will i learn to rest in the Lord?

faith

2006-01-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

in regards to faith.... a concept i have had a hard time grasping since i have been a child, i am asking God to give me faith in jesus. i have tried hard to have faith in christ and have enough faith in christ but i always come up short. i now realize faith is something we ask God for, and we can be guaranteed He desperatly wants to, and is willing to give us faith in Jesus. He is eargly waiting to give us that.

perfect mission

2006-01-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

its not at all about me and all to do with Him. i have a calling on my life to love and draw men to God. i have Christ within me living and acting in perfect ways for that purpose. its not me that does good, its Jesus. why do i feel so drawn to God and want to please and serve him? its not me but Christ, and He does such a good job at it. He draws men to God so perfectly. He pleases God perfectly. He serves God perfectly. yeah i can try to do those things but they will never be good enough. Christ offers Himself to us, to do those things perfectly within us that we cant do ourselves.

end of the spear

2006-01-03T14:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.endofthespear.com/

this is a link for a movie coming out jan 20th. this movie is based on a book i read when i was younger, of a true story that is more moving and emotional than any i have ever heard. this book had a powerful effect on me and today as my brother had me look up the sight, i realized what the movie was about, and i cried. i cant wait.

2006

2006-01-02T15:37:00.000-05:00

i want to live my life in worship of God, who alone is worthy of so much more. (and not just talk about it, or think about what it means to worship) i want this to be a life transforming year of dependence on jesus. i want my life to be christ's life. i want to be fully confident that in christ alone, i will one day hear, "well done thy good and faithful servant". i want to love and forgive as jesus did. i want all the world to know of Gods kindness and love for them and i want to be that to the world. i want to be christ to a world longing for fulfillment.
lofty? yes. possible? in christ, YES!
may this be a year many, will see and know, the love of the Father.

2006-01-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

today, i feel as though my joy is gone and may never return.

2006-01-01T01:37:00.000-05:00

happy birthday, to my dear husband eric

resting

2005-12-29T16:20:00.000-05:00

dec 26 pm i got nauseous, threw up a few times, went to the doctor tuesday morning, blood pressure dropped so low the doctor put me on my very first ambulance ride and i spent all day tuesday at cmc ER. they did IV and lots of test which all came out ok, and sent me home around 5pm that evening. mean while hundreds of people seriously i think where praying for me in what can only be called a good old fashioned prayer chain. people i don't even speak with on a regular basis called on wednesday to see how i was. i am abundantly loved far more than anyone deserves. thank you to everyone who called to see how i was and to everyone who lifted me up to God that day. even the burns on my hands i got christmas day that where blistered badly where gone tuesday night.
i am still somewhat weak and i think this is Gods way of drawing me into His rest. i stay so busy and try to do far too much instead of resting in the Lord the way he intends for me to. He wants to take care of me well, but i gotta let him or else, being merciful as He is, He will force me. i do want His rest, even though my actions don't always display it. or rarely i should say.

2005-12-25T08:10:00.000-05:00

...but do all for the glory and honor of God, for He alone is worthy.
Praise be to the Father. May the whole world know of Your everlasting love for mankind, for You alone are worthy of all glory honor and praise.
Father, Your kindness for me, rocks my world. You are merciful and good to me over and over again. glory and honor to You, o Lord, for Your love is everlasting. Hosanna, Hosanna, hosanna in the highest, may i forever bow and worship You, for You alone are good. You alone are worthy of all glory, honor and praise. You alone are worthy of us living our lives in worship of You. prasie be to the Father!!!

do nothing with a spirit of partiality

2005-12-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking today about christmas ( hard to believe, i know) and well, what exactly i am celebrating and why.
yes, i shouldn't be thinking so much, but.... i am, so and i am taking you with me into this overthinking process that tends to get me in trouble, more than anything.

what is christmas? and what should we be doing, on christmas?

ok, i don't know all the fancy shmancy stuff about the history of christmas but i have heard that it began as a pagan holiday, and the christians, who had once celebrated it as well, but now were not allowed to participate, came up with a way around their predicament, by "saying " they were celebrating the birth of christ, on that same day. Whether this is true, i don't know, but it sure does sound similar to something i have done. when i was a kid my parents, who were new christians, did not allow myself or my siblings to trick or treat, or celebrate halloween at all, because it was an "evil" holiday. nevermind that we would go to church on halloween, dressed as fairy's, princesses, and disney characters and such, then participate in cake walks, moonwalks, and stick our heads in barrels of water trying to fish out apples. but we weren't celebrating HALLOWEEN. i must have learned quickly cuz as soon as i got old enough and mom had quit taking us to the church we would dress in homemade hobo or indian outfits and beg mom to let us go around the neighborhood and "get candy" emphasizing "GET CANDY", and i remember very well talking my mother into letting us go. "we aren't trick or treating" i would say very matter of factly, "we are just going out to get candy". we got to go.
the fact is that i, and i think i can speak for a large portion of us christians, don't like to give up things, so we change them around to suite our desires. so it could be very possible that the very origins of christmas are a product of this very thing. compromising christians, that seek to serve themselves, rather that Christ.
no matter the origins of christmas, i still think we all need to decide what it is we are celebrating on this day. if indeed we want the day to be about the birth of christ, then, by god, make it a DAY about celebratin the birth of christ. don't make it a day centered around food and or, a christmas tree and present exchanging, and then slip in a reading of luke 2 or spend 15 min in advent, and then get pissed that the media is trying to take away the day we celebrate the birth of christ. i have never spent any christmas centered around christ. its centered around tradition. nothing wrong with tradition, i love the holiday, the gift giving, the sweet treats, the family i haven't seen in forever. it is a day and time unlike any other, and i cant imaging life without christmas. but why do we call it christmas? what IF they change the name? would christ birth truly be any less celebrated? could we call it something different since really isn't a day centered around the birth of christ? Wouldn't a name change make sense?
then what about jesus?
He gives us His very life in exchange for our corrupted ones. He gave up his ALL for us. His comfort and splendor of a perfect life with the Father, then came to earth and once again, gave up all the things, this time, just like we have, family, friends, pride, comfort, all to be tortured and killed, so that, we could partake of his life, death, and resurrection and thus be rescued from our doomed-to-death, lives. could we give him his own day. one formed specifically for, and honoring and remembering his birth. CENTERED around worshiping christ. hosanna hosanna! hosanna in the highest! better yet, he gave up his whole being for us, lets thank him by giving ours back to him, our whole lives, our everything. not just part of a day.
i think jesus would have really enjoyed a day like christmas. one centered around tradition and enjoying each other, giving and getting gifts, and seeing old family. he would have lived the day remembering his mission. - submitting to God, his father, and letting God work and move thro him, in order to bring honor and glory to the ONE who deserves, more than us, but wants nothing more.

christmas

2005-12-23T13:21:00.000-05:00

i am giddy today because i am soo excited about christmas. i am not in peticular excited about any one part, just this time as a whole. being off work, going last minute shopping, seeing family. i don't know, its something in the air, that screams of a break from the norm. a day that different from any other. whatever it is we are celebrating gets lost in the shuffle but either way i thank God for the day of being able to close everything down and see people we don't normally get to see and get and give gifts, and eat good food. its beautiful. take a deep breath and enjoy a day unlike any other.

isaiah

2005-12-20T10:14:00.000-05:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8308503639300781116&q=%22isaiah+playing+on+desk%22+playable%3Atrue

2005-12-17T13:54:00.000-05:00

to play- http://www.familysweeps.net/pacman.html

Hallelujah!!

2005-12-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

we have a faulty sewer line here at the apartment which will cost the landlord 4000.00 to fix.
the sewer has backed up twice already and the second time it was about 4 in. deep in the bathroom and ran over into the bedroom closet. so currently we have our clothes and things strewn across the bedroom for going on 2 weeks now waiting for word on whether the landlord would fix the problem or not.
the sewer line has been busted for close to 10 years, the repair man told us and the landlord has not approved the estimate in years past.
we got word that the repairs got approved this time. yyiiippee!!!

need work?

2005-12-16T10:05:00.000-05:00

i am once again looking for someone to work here at american storage for me, 1 day each week on my day off.

24-7 God worship vision

2005-12-15T21:43:00.000-05:00

click on picture and crank up the volume,to watch the vision

icee wet day

2005-12-15T10:24:00.000-05:00

aahhh. i slept in today and it was soo good.
i was supposed to go to my mother in laws but due to extenuating circumstances i am taking the day off. yee haaww!!

current music selection

2005-12-14T16:57:00.000-05:00

right now i am listening to sufyan steven christmas album and i must be dreamin by frou frou. both i am thoroughly enjoying.
i am working on being more purposeful with my time.

its a wonderful life

2005-12-12T10:03:00.000-05:00

i was taken on a shopping spree yesterday.
i not only got a bunch of new clothes but the folks who took me also waited patiently while i tried everything on and then gave me their honest opinions of each. it was wonderful.

i am so very taken care of by so many different people in so many different ways. i seriously, could not ask for more.

not fun

2005-12-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

the apartment has sewer problems and today, for the second time in our 1 month stay, the bathroom flooded.

me

2005-11-30T11:56:00.000-05:00

what to do with myself.
i always want more that i have.
nothing is ever good enough.
i dream up problems before they arise.
i feel good today.
i know what i need to do, and yet never seem to get it done.
i am undisciplined.
i am careless.
i worship my care-freeness, and wear it as a badge of honor.
i love to dance.
i want more money.
i love to be around people.
today, i love to play pac-man.
i enjoy peaceful moments.
i love beauty.
i love attention and i enjoy being dotted on. and i would prefer no one know that.

change and loss

2005-11-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

my husband and i are going thru major life changes. new place, new job, etc... but at the start of all this change a few weeks ago, a good friend basically said that God was being merciful and making the changes less drastic that they could have been. well... i... . was so caught up in what i was loosing, (which i needed to deal with) that i couldnt see, that what our friend said was true, however inappropriate his timing was. now, looking at this thing without the loss factor, i can see that indeed God has been more than merciful and gentle with me, in the changes going on in our lives. He has made this thing relatively easy, although at first it did not appear so.
with that hurdle crossed...on to the next.

getting the job done

2005-11-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

i found a dude on "my space" who lives in charlotte who is getting ready to go to 24-7 colorado springs for a while, and in writing back to him i wrote my thoughts and feeling for what is going on with the charlotte 24-7 thing we are involved with.

i checked out atlanta and then spent time at IHOP in Kansas city. the one here is visioned to look more like IHOP and 24-7 combined. we just got a site. i would love for you to come out and see it with us. i havent really been excited or even done anything at all to actually help get it started yet, but tonight after i was told there is a sight, i feel excited. it feels more like a reality now. without a site it was hard for me to commit myself fully to the vision. but now... o now its on. tonight, i am pumped and ready to see a remnant form of people inhabited by christ, who are being taken over by him bit by bit. being cleaned and prepared for the wedding night.
props to my friend lisa for listening to God and acting on the things he told her. i have no doubt God is going to get the job done, lisa or not, but my point is that lisa has stayed firm in her service to God and been an example of that, to many.
much love to you, baby.
may God continue his outpour of mercy on you, that gives you resolve and strength to hold on and finish firm.
thru jesus only.

http://bigpappa.typepad.com/

http://www.theuprising.typepad.com/

http://www.charlotte24-7.com/main.html