o god.

6 months ago we tried to adopt a baby named jay. we got excited and then got a call that we could not have him. now 6 months later we get a call that it is now a possibility again and i wanted no part of the possibility. i don't want to get my hopes up and then have my heart broken, again. i agreed to at least pray about the possibility but with the thought that we wouldn't be pursuing it. well my husband who seemed mostly partial to the situation the first time, was really concerned about it this time, and really contemplated the idea. me, i am a logical thinker and i quickly come up with seemingly logical reasons why things wont work out. i know how to protect my heart. this habit causes me to miss out a lot, on good things. thank God that He has arisen within eric the desire to pursue it.
so 2 days ago i jumped on the "lets try again" band wagon and let myself fall into the excitement of getting a "son". i somehow got it in my mind that we would get him really soon too. so this morning i investigated the adoption process online, and found many things that must happen before adoption is even a POSSIBILITY. some of the things have time limits that would make adopting him be possible no sooner than about 3 months and no later than, no telling how long.

there are many difficult hurdles to cross for this thing to even be possible. we may do this whole long process and still not get jay. i want this boy badly, but i also want to protect my heart? do i want to risk it getting broken for a POSSIBILITY, of having a son, 3 months to a year from now? i want instant gratification. i want things to go the way i think they will go.
i want to stop thinking this way and trust God to do what He deems best. He can mend a broken heart, right?
i do want jay though.