capote

eric and i watched Capote this evening.
its a true story of a famous selfish writer that allowed his own desires and needs being met, become his over-all obsession. it seems he had a great love for people but when push came to shove, he chose to receive glory and attention over his writing rather than take care of his friend. he also lived in denial of this issue. he would tell people he was doing this and that for his friend in jail because the friend needed him and he wanted to help him. i think he really did want to help the guy but at some point he decided the fame and attention he would get for the book he was writing was worth more. problem is i see much of myself in this man.
ok, so he needs to finish the book but since the guy is just sitting in jail thro appeal after appeal it doesn't make for a very dynamic ending. so he quits getting the guy a lawyer so the appeals stop and so does his visits. he receives a letter from the killer and decides to visit before the hanging. in the end, he witnesses his friend, who at an earlier point in the movie, he is questioned as to whether or not he is in love with the man. he doesn't give a clear answer leading you to believe he may very well be in love with the man. similiar backgrounds, a mutual trust, etc.... so now he sees the man hung to death.
quite an effect this had on me. how long will i piss and moan about wanting things i don't have while people are in need? worse than that will their blood be on my hands?
how can i continue pursuing what makes me feel good, wasting time, while knowing good and well what awaits the world? i don't want to watch anyone i know be hung or be carried off by the one waiting to devour the world, when its in my power to do something about it.
there's work to be done. no time to waste. no time for the american dream. no time for searching and experiencing that feeling of going home, that feels oh so good. not now. not yet. home is coming. but not yet.