love

i realized i have been living for myself for quite some time now, all the while saying i was living for God. living for God means what it says, eating, breathing, sleeping, playing ALL for God. me, i still do all those things, to fill all the empty holes left mostly from when i was a child. i am obsessed with finding a place where i feel complete. yeah if God can do it for me then I'll run to Him, but that still is, me, living to complete myself. is there a way for me to BE any different? i pray, i seek the lord, i truly desire to serve God above serving myself. can i let myself have the empty holes? (as goddamn horrible as they feel) and (as goddamn good as it feels when one gets temporarily filled) can i let the holes remain, give up the quest and pursue my maker who loves me with more love than i can imagine? can i be seen by those around me, not as someone with holes but as someone who loves God more than taking care her own needs? i know after the last few weeks, that i can love myself publicly and shamelessly, not caring what anyone thinks. will i do the same with my Creator, who desires me, amidst my false views that i am doing him a favor while seeking with all my heart to be complete?He is in the "completing" business, but can i go to Him, for Him, and not just for what He can do for me. can i long for HIM, like he longs for ME? not, what i can give or do for Him, He just wants ME, with the holes ....with the imperfections, with the self worship, He still wants me.....He still wants me.... He still loves me.......He still wants to hold me. He has a true fathers heart. i still feel like i can hardle go wrong in his eyes. after all this. thats love.