my mind is playin tricks on me
questioning so many things today. things i cannot speak of, to protect my loved ones, but things i long to be able to discuss. deep places that i long to be exposed, as much for my protection as theirs (i hope...... although i can never really trust my flesh laden mind)
i HaTe today. i mean i really Hate. i am feeling bitter, angry, resentful, really just pissed off.
i can hear a friends words ringing in my ear, "....just get over it". i wished that worked today baby.
the world is cruel and ugly.
as far as circumstances go, i got everything anyone could ever ask for. i have lots of truly loving family. as far as physical things, i have it all. and yet still this gaping fucking hole, that laughs and taunts me to no end.
will i ever be thankful for all i do have?
will i ever get rid of this selfishness and greed that make their home within my soul?
will i constantly hope for circumstances to change so that i might be happy?
will i constantly hope for everyone around me to change so that my discontent will be justified?
if i could draw and express myself it would be a totally black canvas with deep puncture marks all over it. actually i would probably tear it to shreds with my bare hands. this writing seems to stand in the way of my conveying how i feel. it doesn't do justice at all to how i really feel.
i HaTe today. i mean i really Hate. i am feeling bitter, angry, resentful, really just pissed off.
i can hear a friends words ringing in my ear, "....just get over it". i wished that worked today baby.
the world is cruel and ugly.
as far as circumstances go, i got everything anyone could ever ask for. i have lots of truly loving family. as far as physical things, i have it all. and yet still this gaping fucking hole, that laughs and taunts me to no end.
will i ever be thankful for all i do have?
will i ever get rid of this selfishness and greed that make their home within my soul?
will i constantly hope for circumstances to change so that i might be happy?
will i constantly hope for everyone around me to change so that my discontent will be justified?
if i could draw and express myself it would be a totally black canvas with deep puncture marks all over it. actually i would probably tear it to shreds with my bare hands. this writing seems to stand in the way of my conveying how i feel. it doesn't do justice at all to how i really feel.
posted by katie | 8:01 AM
2 Comments:
"Listen! My Lover! Look! Here He comes, leaping across the mounains, bounding over the hills. My Lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There He stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My Lover spoke and said to me, 'Arise, My darling, My beautiful one, and come with Me, See! The winter is past; and the rains are over and gone, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with Me.'"
Sol.2:8-13
my faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave...my faith is like shifting sand so i stand on GRACE
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