train wreck

things have been so so difficult lately. praying more, for the lost, and for my friends but also fighting more with God, resistant to submitting to Him in these ways that keep getting bigger and bigger. the stretching and testing has gone from very trivial matters to these gigantic demons from my past, in just a years time. today i wasn't sure i was going to move forward this time. i have the desire but lack the push and drive to allow myself to become empty in this way in order to be filled by God. too much desire still for fleshly things. not big things like drugs, sex, or alcohol (those i've already found out don't last in their pleasure, so i'm not interested) but its much more subtle things, like community and friends. things that God certainly endorses so they can't be bad. (that's what i keep telling myself) why would God ask me to give up fulfillment of desires He created me with? ( i'm not looking for an answer there. )
God has done incredible things for me and has given me His love and loyalty in ways that are way beyond what i can fully understand. why do i still resist Him? at what point does hebrews 10:26 apply? God has been patient and forgiving with me repeatedly in this matter, (i keep giving it up then taking it back) but i have to wonder how far He will let me go before it breaks His heart badly enough that He will turn His face from me so He won't have to watch the train wreck.
if you pray, and want to, for me, pray i will voluntarily bend my knee (and keep it bent) to Him who is so much more than worth it.